Mr. E is back and he's got a helluva review to chime in with this time, Gears of War, a video game adaptation headed to the big screen!

{sidebar id=1}Since the IESB broke the news that director Len Wiseman was looking at helming Escape from New York and Gears of War we all have been trying to track down the scripts for both films to get a feel for them and see which one, if not both, he would choose. Well, thank god for Mr. E, he has struck gold once again!

Mr. E has been contributing reviews to the IESB for about a month or two now and has been a real asset when it comes to inside information. I can only imagine him as a figure cloaked in black, typing away at his computer...or he could be wearing yellow spandex. In any case, here's his latest, a review for Gears of War!

Should Len Wiseman be behind this? What do you think?

GEARS OF WAR begins with a beauty shot of the blue green planet SERA and its two moons, as the ethereal voice of THE QUEEN gives an all-too-brief 39 word "explanatory" narration. We then go headlong into a high-tech version of the first 20 minutes of  Saving Private Ryan. This is a war between the COG (the good guys) and The Union of Independent Republics.

Along the way we meet GEARS (like Marines, I guess): loner SGT.MARCUS FENIX  and his best buddy DOM ("DOM") SANTIAGO. They've saved each other's lives too many times to count, so they have that kind of squabbling sibling banter that I've come to expect in any war movie, regardless of what planet it
takes place on. There is a whole bunch of shooting, badass babe LT. ANYA STROUD is introduced and stuff blows up really cool, and it's all on a big ol' rocky fortress-type promontory.

The important thing the script sets out to do very early on is to describe in excruciatingly boring detail every single military vehicle used by both sides, every kind of armor or armament and to make sure the reader knows exactly what the nickname for each item is. I'm sure fans of the videogame would lap this up, but to me it seemed overly fetishistic.

The battle is won and there is a kind of Victory Day at SERA's Capitol city - the Seaport Ephyra-that surrounds a military complex called Jacinto. The GEARS come home, DOM goes home to his wife MARIA and their two kids and MARCUS has an awkward reunion with his father-noted scientist ADAM FENIX. Actually, their whole subplot was so Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, I expected to learn that MARCUS was named for the dog.

Now comes the obligatory 15 minutes "calm-before-the-storm" where the audience is supposed to learn just enough about MARCUS, DOM, ANYA, THE PROFESSOR AND MARY ANN to actually to give a damn about what happens to them and their little dog, too.

And here is where GEARS OF WAR crashed and burned for me and never came back.

There is a little thing called "Suspension of Disbelief" and saying it is necessary for a film like GEARS OF WAR is like saying that a tiny, daringly cut one-piece swimsuit is necessary to Pamela Anderson's acting talents.

As I drove through the script, I was astounded to find that despite the planet SERA having no connection to our little planet Earth, characters drive trucks, play "country music" on the radio, fill up at Gas Stations with attached convenience stores and there are a lot of chainsaws to go around.

Huh?

If you are going to create an imaginary world, then create an imaginary world!  Check out a little film from 1977 - STAR WARS: they created Droids, Jawas, Imperial Cruisers, The Force, Lightsabers, landspeeders, Moisture farms, BLUE milk and more!

And now, back to the plot. About thirty minutes in, the fit hits the shan and the city is attacked by all manner of underground creatures and the rest of the movie is one really big series of battles for the city and the planet, most likely.

By halfway through the humorless script, you only have two, okay-maybe three tops, characters to root for. Unlike James Cameron's ALIENS or Paul Verhoven's STARSHIP TROOPERS, the movie doesn't care enough to actually create characters to cheer on. If this were an episode of Star Trek - The Original Series, 99% of the onscreen characters would be wearing red shirts.

Plot, Plot, Plot, we get to briefly meet the enigmatic and completely superfluous QUEEN, the Hammer of Dawn (I'm not making this stuff up) device is used, and despite all of the death, destruction, stuff blowing up and a semi-happy ending, the door is left way open for a sequel.

Oh please.

GEARS OF WAR was released for Xbox 360 on November 7, 2006 and now less than a year later, someone has cranked out a script and GOW might be on its way to the big screen real soon like.

I guess this script may be a good translation of the game, but the concept is Pseudo Pscience Phiction at its worst. No attempt seems to have been made in creating anything besides a tissue thin story that is nothing for one excuse after another for stuff to blow up. The one dimensional characters wallow in an environment so bland, you might as well film the planet SERA at the gas station out in the middle of nowhere seen in TERMINATOR 2.

I rate GEARS OF WAR a DUKES OF HAZZARD out of a possible STARSHIP TROOPERS, or 3 stars out of 10.

Mr. E would also like to add: "WAR! Good God! What is it good for? Absolutely Nothing!"

GEARS OF WAR by Stuart Beattie Based on the game by Epic Games Dated July 31, 2007

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