For the record, I liked the THE MUMMY. It was fun and funny in the same way that INDEPENDENCE DAY is. THE MUMMY RETURNS movie was more of the same and not entirely a retread, so I didn't want my money back after seeing it. Even THE SCORPION KING had its moments (Kelly Hu's outfit!) until it turned into a bad video game at the very end. So, when the screenplay for THE MUMMY III crossed my desk, with new writers that have some buzz apparently (Alfred Gough and Miles Millar), I read it with an open mind.

The Good

MY MUMMY IS CHINESE. The central premise is that we're dealing with a new mummy now, re: the desiccated remains of China's first uber-Emperor Qin Shihuang (pronounced as Can Shwing or Ken's Wang, depending on if you are channeling Mike Myers or Dana Carvey). Wang wants to take over the world by releasing his army of warriors who were cursed and turned into terracotta statues a few millennia ago. This cool enough connection to the real terracotta warriors in China and similar tie-ins with the Great Wall, Shangri La, Yeti, etc. are all interesting concepts to have explored and could have been made into a truly great film. Could have .

The Bad

RETREAD ON ME. The previous Mummy movies are often dismissed as Indiana Jones-lite, which is unfair in my opinion since, more often than not, they did tread new ground in a well-established genre. But this script blatantly rips off not just one but all three Indiana Jones films. From the Blue Vial containing Magical Plot Solution to the Shanghai nightclub to the rolling Prayer Wheel to O'Connell's newfound ability to Deus Ex Machina crocodiles at will, this script offers more bad retreads than a tire shop in Hemet.

AN OPEN SORE. The script opens with ten minutes of voice-over narration explaining Wang's backstory to the audience…backstory that we are also watching right up on the screen. Who is the narrator? No one from the story. So why are they narrating to us? I don't know. For examples of how to do this right, see CONAN THE BARBARIAN, AMERICAN BEAUTY, LOTR – FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING, or THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION. And don't get me started on the Book of the Dead tie-in to THE MUMMY and THE MUMMY RETURNS here…eesh, Reed Richards never had to make such a stretch!

SON OF SYNDROME. Yup, someone wants to spawn a new franchise, so we have to deal with the son of our heroes as a/the main character. Unfortunately, without a discernable personality, let alone one that differentiates himself from his parents, this is another utterly wasted opportunity. And how old is he now? And does that mean he has a pituitary issue we should be exploring in this story? If done right, this is Young Indiana Jones in INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE. If done right.

THE WORLD (NOT) AT WAR. This takes place in 1940 and supposedly the entire World is involved in WWII, except for the U.S. of course…not just yet. But except for a few throwaway lines, we wouldn't know what's really happening in the world (i.e. Japan's war crimes ridden invasion and occupation of China) from the events in this story. The Japanese are represented by Emperor Wang's Vader-lite and that's really just about all there is to it. Yet another wasted opportunity for really raising the stakes.

The Ugly

SAY IT AND SPRAY IT. This is where the screenwriters must get flayed. They can't blame this one on the studio or producers. This script contains some of the worst “on the nose” dialogue (entire scenes of it!) I have ever read in a screenplay where authors were PAID to write it. For example (paraphrased for legal reasons, but no exaggeration):

O'CONNELL – Gee, I wasn't a good dad to our son. You know, Evy, he's your son.

EVELYN – We are going to set this guy up and discover his plot. Oh, by the way, Alex is your son.

VADER-LITE – I sure am glad I was able to hire you two fools to do my evil bidding…and your son.

ALEX – I am their son and I sure would like to have sex with this hot, but strangely mysterious Chinese girl named Lily.

LILY – For 2,200 years I swore to protect Shangri la at all costs … except if it's going to affect me personally … be cause I fell in love with their son, Alex (off camera, just last week)…really .

Now many screenwriters use “on the nose” dialogue as placeholders in their own internal first drafts (while they're still establishing character arcs and motivations) but this was labeled as a SECOND draft, meaning that it has been finished, delivered, read, had notes returned to the writers, rewritten per producer/studio issues, and delivered again. There is NO excuse for this kind of pap to be in a top dollar script (mid six-seven figures?) for a big budget film ($200 million+) at this stage of development. REAL human beings have better dialogue…and they're BORING. “Off intended to be touching moment…”

WANG ARE YOU? A movie like this hinges on its villain. Wang's got no solid, interesting agenda whatsoever. He does the occasional evil (oddly against his own best interests) thing just to announce “hey, yo, I am evil, dog!” But this is someone who was supposedly able to outsmart Sun Tzu, yet the Bond franchise has smarter villains (yes, even the Roger Moore films). For example, he's been pining for one woman for two millennia (self-retread of THE MUMMY), then instantly changes his mind when he meets her daughter. Why? I don't know. Maybe two thousand years as a terracotta pot has scrambled his noggin a bit. But then again, he was that inconsistent in the opening backstory too (ahem). So, all hail Emperor Wang, High Moron of Motivation.

And, not a single one of these characters has a “character arc” (i.e. exhibiting change from the beginning to the end) or is in any way transformed by the journey they have been on for the past two hours. They don't even have scene-by-scene internal conflict with one another, even though the script sets up at least some of the initial conditions to do just that. Did no one in this creative process take the Screenwriting for Beginners class?!

A MOTIF IS NOT A THEME. There is no central unifying theme to this story. There is a visual motif of the five Chinese elements, but the film goes no deeper than that – and can't even get that right*. Unfortunately, this gives the story and characters no resonance or connection with their world or the audience and makes the film feel like a series of thinly strung together set pieces. Yawn.

TEQUILA, THE DRUNKEN (TIBETAN) MONK – I kid you not.

Wiping Up

The script set-up and locations all have vastly untapped potential (i.e. the pitch was good enough), so I'd like to see a really good writer take a crack at this. No one knows just what role each of the players (writers, studio, producers) had in this All Style No Substance concoction, but I feel it is safe to say the following:

I fully expect this flaccid pile of cinematic drivel to be fast-tracked to a multiplex near you.

Now, of course, this is all just my opinion. I could be wrong…but I'm not.  

Stay tuned to the IESB for further updates!