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An IESB reader just saw Doom last night and was kind enough to send his thoughts in:

Doom is by far the worst movie I have seen in the last few years. While walking out of the theater trying to forget the nightmare I just witnessed, I heard someone say that it was somewhere between awful and horrible. They couldn't have been more right.

In a world of reality tv and movies with computer generated plots, a small corner is reserved for genres that originally were created for the video game world. Doom, originally released in 1993 is the latest in a long line of failed attempts to make more money out of someone else's good video game. Unfortunately for anyone that was thinking this one might be different, I have to say; sorry.

The movie begins with a typical opening where something has happened and the Special Forces are the only ones that can solve the problem. Thus, the bile begins to flow. The Special Forces team consists of the Sarge played by The Rock, Reaper played by Karl Urban, Duke played by Raz Adoti, The Kid played by Al Weaver, Destroyer played by DeObia Oparei, Portman played by Richard Brake, Mac played by Yao Chin, and Goat played by Ben Daniels. The team, also known as the Rapid Response Tactical Squad, is called into duty. Apparently those that are part of the team are exempt from military protocols like hair cuts. Oh, and in the case of The Kid he is able to join an elite military task force without having a single mission under his belt. Hmmm… The team uses a portal (the arc) that has been found on earth to travel to Olduvai (sad to think they used a name that actually has scientific importance because of Olduvai Gorge in Africa to attempt to give this two hour life-waster some grasp of validity) on the planet Mars where the disturbance occurred. Once on the planet, they discover that 8 scientists are missing in the archeological section of the lab.

The team splits up to investigate and discovers that some of the scientists are dead and others have mutated into horrible creatures. These monsters known as Imps shoot a tongue-like object into its victims' neck therefore turning them into Imps as well.

Dr. Samantha Grimm played by Rosamund Pike (who in a completely useless subplot is the twin sister of Reaper) discovers that unknown to her some scientists there were conducting experiments with chromosome data found on the planet. Apparently a technologically superior race of humans who created the portal from Earth and Mars had a 24 th chromosome and were superhuman. This race was destroyed for a reason that is not known. Amazing how a race of beings obviously so superior left no trace on earth except for the portal. Random and useless violence ensues.

After the death of some of the Squad, the Sarge decides it's time to grab a weapon that he noticed while searching earlier. It is at his moment that the movie truly takes a dump. The Bio Force Gun, or BFG, has a better introduction than every character in the movie. The massively oversized gun which sadly only gets used twice takes center stage. The BFG kills one monster, which is never even seen, and then is not heard from again until the end of the movie.

More random useless and boring fighting occurs, during which by some miraculous feat of strength one of the monsters (who have only claws and teeth) makes it through a door (which must be at least 18 inchs thick) through the portal and back to Earth. Hmmm…I guess it's good for the monster that somehow they know how to activate a portal which is only activated with computers. Again hmmm…

Dr. Samantha discovers, while performing an autopsy on a dead Imp, that the 24th chromosome that makes them evil, does not work on all people. She relates this amazingly coincidental information to her twin brother Reaper, and then discovers faster than the popcorn can hit the movie theater floor that it must be because of the last 10% of the human genome (which is still unmapped apparently) that supposedly houses the soul. So not everyone attacked is going to turn into a monster, just those who are evil by nature. This was unfortunate for the religious fanatic, Goat, who actually cut a cross into his arm earlier for speaking the Lords name in vane. Sorry Goat, I guess God does not work on Mars.

What is left of the team goes back to Earth to discover that the underground base that houses the portal is in shambles. The team splits up to try to find the monster and discovers that not everyone is dead. The Sarge orders the team to kill everyone. This leads to him killing The Kid because he does not want to follow these orders.

Big Imps attack, as well as half changed people, that I will call “zombies”. The Rock gets taken by them and Reaper is fatally injured. Luckily for him his sister grabbed a container of the 24 th chromosome. Dr. Samantha, knowing that he is good because she is, gives it to him to try to turn him into a superhuman (nice sister huh, considering she doesn't take it).

Well to everyone's surprise Reaper does not turn evil. Now we enter the first person mode. Reaper, because he is super now, gets to go around and kill people and lucky us get to see it in a first person point of view. This waste of five minutes is climaxed with a chainsaw battle (which are abundant in futuristic secret underground bases) between Super Reaper and a dog-like monster that once was a person.

After killing everything, Super Reaper finds his sister (who for some reason left him while he was unconscious during his transformation into Super Reaper) has fallen down in the middle of a hallway and is hurt.

The Sarge reappears as Evil Sarge. Evil Sarge attempts to kill Super Reaper with the BFG, but misses and must therefore resort to conventional weapons. The ending battle culminates when both Super Reaper and Evil Sarge run out of ammo and decide that this can only be settled hand to hand. Thus, another five worthless minutes of fighting occurs. In the end, Super Reaper sends Evil Sarge back through the portal to Mars and sends a massive grenade following. Boom…no more Evil Sarge. End of Movie (Thank God)

Where to start. Well, Doom has nothing to offer people. The plot has more holes than the Iraqi desert. It never flows. A big deal has been made of the first person shooter perspective and that does not even make the movie worth it. It's just a bunch of monster shootings pasted together with jump cuts where half the time the monsters popup and pause, that way you have time to see them really good, and then they are shot. Grrrrr…Boom! Yeah, that's fun.

This movie is being marketed as a terrifying sci-fi horror action adventure. They got the terrifying right. I am terrified to think of how many people had to approve this thing before it could have been made. Well it is Universal, and the last good movie they had was…

Well the acting was not bad. The Rock did as good as anyone would expect out of him. He has some one-liners that were ok. It was not his fault the movie was worse than a root canal. Karl Urban played Reaper/Super Reaper well. He is not a bad actor. I was surprised to see him in this after doing something like Lord of the Rings. I am still confused at the use of pointless subplots around him though. The last main character played by Rosamund Pike did her job. She was the eye candy for the movie. It is disturbing to think that an Oxford graduate would resort to wearing some tight clothing so her nipples show through in a worthless action flick.

Special effects are always a must for a big action sci-fi movie and Doom is no exception. The CG is not bad it's just not good. When it's CG it looks like it. At least “the powers that be” decided on using bodysuits and not full CG for the monsters. Some were CG still, but the ones that counted looked good. The CG on the first person shooter POV is a joke though. It looks like they just took Doom (the newer version) and added in another graphic engine and did a screen capture.

I feel very sorry for Clint Mansell. The soundtrack was awesome. Every time the music started up I could feel the audience, as well as myself, getting pumped up. Of course nothing ever happened, but the momentum was there thanks to the score.

Doom. The name even warns you. Don't see this movie. There is nothing that this movie offers that you can't get from watching lets say daytime TV. So if you feel compelled to see it just tape an episode of Judge Judy instead. It's better, trust me. Or maybe watch your grass grow. Take bets on the grass speed and length. You can even name the blades. If you do, name one Doom and then mow it. To put it nicely, Doom took two hours of my life; don't let the same thing happen to you.

Whew...guess he didn't like it. Did you see it? Have a different opinion? Send it in!

Click here for production stills from DOOM

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